A Reason To Live
by Marvelforlife
Summary: A Reason To Live is a Marvel Fan Fiction that is in the point of view of Bucky Barnes or The Winter Soldier. It takes place in the two year time gap between the films Captain America: The Winter Soldier and Captain America: Civil War.
1. The Boy Who Died

Chapter 1: The Boy Who Died

I walked into the museum,looking around every few seconds in case someone might recognize me. With a shaky breath I walked to the World War 2 exhibit and found him. Captain America, or Steven Rogers as his biography read. I read the description,how he was the first "super soldier", how he saved everyone and supposedly defeated Hydra. I walked around the exhibit some more,trying to find anything else of importance other than pictures of Steve. My heart skipped a beat as I saw a photo of..

Me.

I studied the photo, my hair was much shorter then. I wore an army uniform. I had a smile on my face. I read the description.

Name: James Buchanan Barnes

D.O.B: March 10, 1917

Gender: Male

Title: Sergeant

Bio: Sergeant James Buchanan "Bucky" Barnes was a former soldier of the 107th Infantry Regiment and the best friend of Steve Rogers, since childhood. Barnes was conscripted and assigned to the 107th in 1942. His regiment was captured by the forces of HYDRA, but Barnes along with what remained of his regiment were rescued by Rogers, who had become Captain America during Barnes' military absence. Joining forces in the continuing war, Barnes and Rogers formed the Howling Commandos to battle the Red Skull's forces. During an attempt to capture HYDRA scientist Arnim Zola, Barnes was caught in an ambush and plummeted hundreds of feet from the HYDRA train. As no body was ever recovered, he was then presumed dead, but officially listed as MIA.

I felt as if my heart was going to come out of my chest as I kept reading,all this that he had...a family, a friend, and now it's all gone. Gone. Forgotten. No matter what I tried I would never get to bring them back. All because of Hydra.

Hydra.

I clenched my jaw. I hated it. I hated Hydra for taking away everything. I hated myself for not being able to remember. I hated that I wasn't strong enough. I stared at my picture for a long time, fighting the urge to break the glass into a million pieces. That young man who was looking at me had a life. He had everything and now because I wasn't strong enough he's dead. Dead. I stepped back and took a shaky breath before walking towards the exit of the exhibit but something made me stop. I didn't quite know what it was but something in my gut told me to turn around. I slowly looked behind me and a tall figure caught my eye. I couldn't see his face due to his hood but I cautiously walked towards him so I could see him but to where he couldn't see me. My heart stopped.

It was Steve..

I quickly walked back to the exit, not caring who noticed my quick retreat, I couldn't let him see me. I gave a breath of relief as I left the museum and made my way to my apartment.

Entering my room I took off my backpack and grabbed my notebook,the black leather was worn, the colored tabs sticking out everywhere. It wasn't the neatest but it was all I had. I opened it to a blank page, placing a new colored tab on the page and writing what I had learned about James..er Bucky..whatever people called him these days. After I wrote down everything I remembered put the notebook back and lifted up the loose floorboard near the door. Carefully, I put the backpack under it, and shutting it tight. I then sat on the mattress I had laid out on the floor,I thought of going to sleep but it was pointless to try,I was never able to sleep these days. I walked into the bathroom,looking at myself in the mirror.

I looked nothing like him. The boy in the picture at the museum. My hair was messy and tangled, draped over my shoulders. There were dark circles under my eyes from no sleep. I sighed, staring at myself, I almost felt pity for how messed up I was, but I shook it off. How I looked right mow didn't matter. I walked to the living room and sat on the mattress,the image of the boy, Bucky, kept coming to my mind, making my head hurt at the reminder of his death. I was exhausted but I fought to stay awake, because once I closed my eyes the memories flooded into my head,haunting me every night. Reminding me of what I did. But eventually my tiredness gave in and I drifted off to sleep.

"Bucky!"

I saw Steve's horrified face as he held his hand out to me. I reached my hand out to him but he kept growing farther away from me. "No!" I yelled trying to reach him. "Come back." I begged. I didn't want him to leave. Looking around I realized I was falling. And then everything went black for a moment. My eyes opened only to find myself being dragged by someone,I couldn't tell who it was, my arm was gone, blood gushing everywhere, painting the white snow a bright red. I was dreaming. I had to be. When did this happen? What's going on? And once again everything went black. I was then in a lab,a scientist was saying something in german. My vision was blurry, I couldn't make out where I was,but then someone I knew all to well walked towards me..someone who no matter what they did to me I would never forget. Zola. The man responsible for my very existence. I struggled to escape,but it was no use, more scientists and guards held me back, one of them was attempting to inject something into me. Out of pure instinct I grabbed one of the scientists by the throat,throwing him against the wall. I stared at my new metal arm in shock,that was new..*

I woke up sweating on the floor, the lamp that was near the mattress I slept on was shattered. The floorboard next to the mattress had a gaping hole into it. Another nightmare. Great. I slowly sat up,shaking. Nightmares were something that happened on a regular basis and this particular one would happen quite often. Like my mind kept reminding me of how all this started. A boy falling off a train and getting taken away only to be turned into a monster. A weapon. Me. That's all I was. Nothing would take it away. Even if I died nothing would take away the pain.

I finally stood up, looking at the clock above the door. 9:00pm. Looks like I was going to have a long night. I left my apartment and climbed up the stairway to the roof. Finally on the roof I felt the cold breeze as it blew my hair into different directions. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It was calming up here,seeing the whole world down below. A world I hardly knew. But nevertheless it was beautiful, the city lights. The cars driving by, I sat down, my feet dangling off the edge. I looked at my hands, one of them was covered with a glove, my metal hand of course. It pained me to look at it, so much pain it caused. So much fear.

I stared at the world below me and wondered if I fell down how much it would hurt. It would probably only hurt for an instance and then that was it. I looked away and stared at my metal hand once more,taking the glove off slowly. I moved my hand around, as if it was my first time using it. The wind blew harder and the glove slipped put of my hand I reached for it but the wind carried it away. I frowned,it felt like the world was telling me I didn't need the glove. I didn't need to hide that I was the Winter Soldier...because everyone knew.

The next day I woke up on the couch,picking up my hair I walked to the kitchen, opening the fridge and ate a bowl of cereal. I thought about Hydra often,even though I hated everything about it with every fiber of my being. I wondered if anyone who worked under Hydra was still out there,many of them most likely survived. And they were probably out looking for me..

I shuddered at the thought of them taking me again. The only thing I could remember was the pain and suffering I went through at the Hydra base. The mind wiping, I would get punished just for speaking the wrong language, the beating,being put into cryo,being surrounded by scientists who are constantly injecting god knows what into your body. I tried to push the thoughts away as I finished eating but then I thought of Steve. What did he think of me? Did he hate me? Could he ever forgive me? Is he looking for me? No. He couldn't be looking for me. I almost killed him.

But what he said to me on the plane..

"I'm not going to fight you Buck. You're my friend." Steve managed to say, his face full of blood.

"Your not my friend!" I yelled,running towards him,punching him with my metal arm. But something about hurting him felt different. It wasn't intentional more so I did it out of what I was programmed to do. "Your my mission." I said aloud reminding myself of what my job was. I had a mission. If I didn't succeed,I would suffer the consequences. And I couldn't go through that again.

"Then finish it.." He began,his breathing became more demanding, like he was struggling to find air. "Cause I'm with you...till the end of the line.."

I looked at him horrified. I've heard that before. Till the end of the line...*

I came back to that moment very often, pondering on what Steve thought of me now. He said 'Till the end of the line' right? That had to mean something. It had to. But then again, once he found out everything I did he would for sure hate me. And I am not Bucky Barnes anymore. Bucky Barnes died in 1945 when he was turned into the Winter Soldier. Into me. I killed him. Steve would never forgive that. How could he? I wanted to be Bucky Barnes again. I wanted to bring him back,but I didn't deserve it. After everything how could I? I couldn't be Bucky and be able to live knowing I hurt him in unimaginable ways.

I couldn't be Bucky Barnes. But maybe...maybe I can avenge him...


	2. Repercussions

Chapter 2: Repercussions..

I stood in front of The Brooklyn Hospital Center,flowers held tightly in my hand. I took a deep breath and walked inside,my hands were shaking as I told the receptionist who I was seeing. "I'm here to see Rebecca Barnes.." I spoke softly.

"She's in room 3112." The receptionist said,not taking her focus off of the computer screen in front of her.

"Thank you." I said before walking down the halls. 3109. 3110. 3111. And finally...3112. I stood in front of the door,my hand shaking as I reached for the door knob. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. What if she knew I was the Winter Soldier? What if she doesn't recognize me? What if she hates me? She probably doesn't even remember me. Just like I don't remember her. But if she did remember me..that would be like torture. I stepped back. I can't do this. A few minutes passed, and people began staring as they passed by,one nurse asked if I was going to go inside and I nodded saying I would but I still hesitated. I placed my hand on the door knob and opened the door,walking inside.

There was an old woman laying on the bed,her eyes opening slightly upon hearing the door open. She looked at me,confused but after a moment her eye's widened.

"James?" She whispered,looking at me as if she saw a ghost.

I walked up towards her slowly,unsure of what to say,I placed the flowers on the counter by her bed and gave a small sigh. "I'm sorry.." I mumbled,avoiding making eye contact. "I'm sorry I never came back..."

The old woman sat up,studying me,as if she was trying to make sure I was real or not. "But your here now."

"I wasn't strong enough.." I finally looked at her,she had the same bright blue eyes as me,her gray hair was long,going down to her back.

"Steve came in earlier this week." She said, smiling. "He told me everything that happened to you. Come here." She scooted over so I could sit down.

I sat on the edge of her bed,keeping a safe distance. "Your not afraid of me?" I blurted out.

"No. Your my brother. You would never hurt me." She smiled. "How have you been keeping up with everything?"

I ignored the question at first,thinking of her response. If only she knew everything I did. What exactly did Steve tell her? I stayed quiet for a moment before responding. "Alright I guess. What did Steve say?"

"He told me about what H.Y.D.R.A. did. How you got taken and was controlled to hurt people. But it's not your fault." She rested her hand on mine. "I forgive you."

I shuddered at her touch and pulled my hand away, I didn't want to hurt her. "It is my fault. I could've fought back I could've done something, but I was weak.." I stared at my metal hand. H.Y.D.R.A. could be looking for me. They might already know I'm here. "I shouldn't be here." I mumbled as I stood up.

"James wait." She got out of the bed and walked in front of me. She held out her hand which held a dog tag with my name on it. "Here." She placed it in my hand. "You can come back whenever you like. I'm here for you."

I gave a small nod. "I'm sorry but it's dangerous for me to be here."

"I know." She nodded in understanding. "Be careful..please."

"I will." I assured her.

"I love you." She held her face in my hands and kissed my forehead. "Remember that for me." She smiled.

I smiled,feeling something I hadn't in a long time. Then,I saw myself...back then, with a little girl. The girl was sitting on my lap, a sad look on her face.

"Hey..don't worry." I said,turning her face towards mine. "I'll be back. I promise."

The girl huffed,crossing her arms. "You better. I need someone to annoy."

I laughed. "You have the others and mom and dad. You'll be fine without me."

She shook her head and looked around,making sure no one was near. "But your my favorite brother." She whispered into my ear. "Shh. Don't tell."

I wrapped my arms around her tighter. "I won't." I smiled. "I'm gonna miss you, you little rat." I said playfully as I messed up her hair, making her frown.

"I don't get why you have to leave." She avoided making eye contact. "It's stupid."

"I know Rebecca, but I have to go. I have to protect you and mom and dad and everyone else." I sighed, upon hearing my mom yelling Rebecca's name. Rebecca stood up and ran off.*

I looked around and I was back in the hospital, Rebecca now looking at me confused. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah..yeah I'm fine." I stepped back. "I'll see you soon."

And then just like that, I heard a 'bang!'

Rebecca fell to the ground,blood dripping from her side. I stood there in shock, and quickly knelt by her. "No no. No..please don't go. Please.." This couldn't be happening. It was a nightmare. It was a nightmare, my mind kept telling me.

Rebecca held her hand to my face, caressing my cheek. "It's okay..it's okay.." she whispered before her hand fell, and her eyes became lifeless as she took her last breath.

I closed her eyes and held her hand for a long time. I looked at her wound,it was a bullet wound. I knew that for a fact. I looked at the window, it was completely shattered. Maybe I could find whoever did this. I stood up,walking to the window, looking outside there was no one there. I jumped out of the window,landing on the ground. I looked around the alley way, hearing fast footsteps to my right. I ran towards them,finding a figure in all black clothes, their face was covered by a mask so I couldn't see their face. They ran across the street. I took a detour and found myself in front of them. I grabbed them by the throat,slamming them against the wall in anger.

The figure struggled in my grasp,but eventually gave in.

I let go, letting them fall to the ground. I grabbed their arm and took the mask off their face. My eyes widened as I saw their face.

It was a woman,she had fiery, red hair that went up to her shoulders, her eyes were a light green color.

I stared at her for a while,but then spoke. "Why...why did you do that?"

"She was a H.Y.D.R.A agent..." she said still out of breath. "She was going to...to kill you.."

I froze. My sister? An agent of the organization that turned me into a monster. A killer. No. It couldn't be. "Y-your lying.." I muttered. "She was a good person and you killed her!" I snapped.

"She wasn't your sister. Your sister is being kept with people to keep her safe. I was just doing my job." She sighed.

I shook my head and let go of her arm. "Just go away before I do something I regret." I mumbled.

She stepped back and turned around but then stopped. "Steve's been looking for you."

I looked at her. Steve? Looking for me? Why? "I don't want him to find me." I muttered.

"You want to be alone. Figure things out for yourself. I get it. But you can't stay alone forever." She turned around and looked at me. "He misses you."

"Well I'm not the guy he once knew. I never will be. I can't be someone I'm not. He's going to expect me to be that." I sighed. "If you see him tell him I don't want anything to do with him. At least not now."

She nodded. "Do you remember the accident?" She asked, changing the subject.

At first I didn't know which accident she mean't. Since I had been responsible for so many, but of course she had mean't the one where I almost killed her and a friend of hers. "Yeah..I'm sorry.."

She shrugged. "There was nothing you could do after all. You can't blame yourself forever Barnes."

"I remember the Red Room. Where I trained you. Still can't beat me it seems." I laughed to myself, wanting to change the subject.

"Oh please...I was going easy on you." She rolled her eyes. "I need to get going..I'll see you around."

"Wait. Is there a way I can see my sister? Does she know what happened to me? I questioned, walking towards her.

She nodded. "I can get you to see her. She knows what happened. She wants to see you. If I bring her to you however, I need you to not tell anyone what happened here."

"I have no one to tell." I took a deep breath,studying her, she's grown so much since then, when she was a teenager, learning how to fight. She looked so...beautiful,it was scary actually that I was feeling this way. Dangerous even.

"Bye Barnes." She waved before walking away.

"Bye Natasha.." I said loud enough for her to hear, waiting for some sort of response.

She looked back at me and smiled before running off.

I turned around and made my way back to my apartment,taking in everything that had happened.

It was crazy really,I go to visit my sister who hasn't seen me in 70 years,I finally feel like I have some sort of family. Then she gets shot and killed by none other than the girl I had trained so long ago who happens to be a good friend of Steve. And to put the cherry on top I find out my "sister" was actually a H.Y.D.R.A. agent trying to kill me. Or capture me. But now I know...

H.Y.D.R.A.'s looking for me and they won't rest until they find me.


	3. Confined

Waiting.

Waiting.

For two weeks, I waited for Natasha and my sister, but they never showed.

I waited for a sign, anything that could have told me why it was taking so long. What if something happened to them? What if they never were coming in the first place..?

What if Natasha lied, and decided not to tell Steve about my whereabouts?

Questions ran through my mind as I sat at the small dining table, staring at the floor with a stressed and tired face.

A few hours passed and I looked at the clock. 8:00pm, it read. I sighed, getting up and laying down on my bed. I began to wonder if this even was a good idea...maybe I shouldn't have asked for Natasha to bring Rebecca here.

On top of that all of us could be in danger, what if H.Y.D.R.A found us and then they turned me back into the Winter Soldier? What if I hurt them..? I closed my eyes, trying to get the thoughts out of my head, when suddenly I heard a knock at the door.

I stood up wearily and I looked through the small hole that was on the door,seeing Natasha with an old woman. I gave a breath of relief as I opened the door. "I was beginning to think you wouldn't come."

Natasha and Rebecca walked inside,Rebecca looked at me for a moment, confused but then, she looked at me with pity. "Can you wait outside?" The old woman asked, looking at Natasha.

She nodded. "If you need me let me know." She said before walking outside.

I looked at Rebecca and bit my lip. "I'm sorry I didn't come back." I spoke softly, remembering the flashback I had at the hospital. Promising my little sister I would return..but I never did. "I broke my promise.."

Rebecca held my hand. "You didn't break your promise. Look, now we're together right? That's all that matters." She stayed quiet for a moment. "You were always the strongest of all of us. It shows now, you went through all this pain but you kept fighting." She gave a small smile.

I wanted to tell her how wrong she was,but I didn't want to argue. I just nodded,my face showed no expression,it became quiet for a while,the two of us unsure of what to say until finally Rebecca broke the silence.

"How have you been holding up?" She asked,looking around the apartment.

"I've been doing alright I guess. Only thing that has me confused is all the technology stuff,computers,phones, all that stuff is weird but I've been getting better." I lied, I actually haven't been improving on my memory and everything that happened to me back then is all a blur.

However,what I said about technology was very true. I don't think I'll ever be able to figure out how that works. With computers there's so many buttons, how can you memorize what does what? Oh,and don't even get me started with phones.

Rebecca laughed softly, "Yeah..you'll get through it though. I wanted to ask you..why don't you come where I am with Steve and Natasha. Steve wants to see you-"

I shook my head,silencing her. "No. I'm sorry. I can't see Steve, not yet. I'm not ready to go out there, besides how can Steve help me? I'm dangerous Rebecca." I pulled my hand away from hers,feeling frustrated. "I'm sorry.."

I gave a deep sigh. Rebecca coming here was supposed to help me...I should be having some sort of flashback right?

But it wasn't. It wasn't working. All of this could've been avoided..I could've escaped H.Y.D.R.A. I could have fought harder...but I was weak. I gave up my chance at a better life because it would be 'to hard'. God, I hated myself.

"Then why did you want me to come?" She asked,clearly not pleased with my answer.

"I...I don't know.." I lied again. "I can't remember anything. It pisses me off. I thought seeing you would trigger something,anything but no. My mind is just blank." I scoffed,why was this so frustrating? Why did I even want her to come? Now both of us could be in danger, including Natasha. "This was a waste of time." I mumbled. "You should go."

"James..don't push me away. I can help-" she protested.

"No. Just go." I snapped, opening the door to find Natasha looking at me confused. I didn't want this to lead to something bad.

"Is everything okay?" She asked,a concerned expression on her face.

"Yeah..thank you for everything. You guys need to go now,it's not safe." I spoke quickly,wanting them to leave.

Natasha gave me a look of sympathy and walked away and as quick as they came,Rebecca and Natasha were gone.

I sat down on the cold, tile floor and took a deep breath,telling myself that it was better for them to go. That it would be better if I never saw them again. Everyone would be safer that way.

Days passed and I began to feel a bit guilty about making them leave. I had been having nightmares a lot lately,it got to a point that I was scared to fall asleep. I was eating some fruit I had bought from the local market when I heard a knock. I stood up,opening the door, to my surprise it was Natasha and she seemed to be alone.

She looked at me like she didn't recognize at all. "Jesus Barnes you look like crap." She blurted out.

I crossed my arms. "What are you doing here?"

"Your lovely sister told Steve about you." She sighed. "After a few hours I convinced him not to come after you.."

"And?" I asked,as I kept my gaze on her my mind was having a battle almost. One side was almost happy she was here but the other was furious since it was dangerous for her to be around me.

"But...he said the only way he would be okay with it was if someone was with you..someone to help you until you were better." She explained.

I scoffed. "Well Steve isn't the boss of me first of all. And second I'm a grown man I don't need anyone looking after me." I snapped.

"Yeah a man who needs help. A man who is broken. A man who doesn't know who he is. If you won't do it for Steve do it for me. You looked better when you were with H.Y.D.R.A. than you do now." She crossed her arms. "Let me stay with you just for a week and if you still don't want me here then I'll leave."

I had to think about that,there were good things, I wouldn't be alone now but there was still the danger of me hurting people. I gave a deep sigh before making eye contact with her. "One week. Then your out of here." I demanded.

"Deal."


	4. Aspirations

Chapter 4: Aspiration..

"There's an extra room down the hall for you to sleep. I think there's food in the fridge." I muttered,closing the door. This was either going to go really well or really bad.

"Okay. Let me get my things I'll be right back." Natasha said before leaving.

My eyelids became heavier and heavier, I wanted to sleep so bad..but I couldn't. The nightmares were to much. I jumped upon hearing Natasha enter. I looked at her,studying her,after a moment it got a little awkward and she spoke.

"Do you get nightmares often?" She asked,putting her things by the door before sitting by me.

"Yeah..I get them every night." I mumbled.

"What do you see?"

I stayed quiet for a moment,deciding if I should even respond to the question. "Why do you care?" I asked,curious.

She shrugged,looking down. "I have my reasons."

I leaned back in my chair and avoided making eye contact. "I see myself hurting people." I admitted. "All the bad things I did just replay in my head over and over."

Natasha nodded,her expression unreadable. "What do you remember?"

I frowned. "Well..mostly bad things that happened to me. The only good things are my sister and..you I guess." I glanced at her for a moment but then looked away. "I want to start again but I don't think I deserve it, if that makes sense.."

"You have to live your life, not waste it worrying on what the future holds. That's the only way you can move on." Natasha explained.

I stared at her for a while,taking in her words. After a moment I spoke. "But how? How can I continue if I can't remember..?"

"I can help you with that." She studied me for a moment before making eye contact once again. "If you'll let me of course.."

I nodded. "I guess I can live with that...but I want to remember everything, I want to know Bucky Barnes. I want to really know him but I can't...I can't remember.." I said in a defeated tone.

"I think I have an idea..." she took out her phone, and began typing something. When she finished she looked outside through the window. "It's getting late. You should sleep."

I crossed my arms, knowing that arguing wasn't going to get me anywhere. "Fine." I muttered, walking to my room. I laid down on the bed and closed my eyes, eventually drifting off to sleep.

I found myself in a room,the walls were grey, there were no windows,nothing in the room except for me and the young girl who stood before me...

She was wearing a black tang top and black pants, her hair up in a pony tail, her eyes were focused, determined. She watched my every move like a panther stalking it's prey.

But she wouldn't best me. Not this time.

She ran towards me,attempting to take me down but as usual it was no use..

I grabbed her, slamming her against the wall,my metal hand digging into her skin. I didn't care how much I hurt her at the time. I didn't care about anything at the time. My mind was numb almost..feeling nothing...saying nothing..

The young girl looked at me with wide eyes,begging me not to kill her, but I didn't listen, until I heard a voice outside the room.

"Soldier! Release her!" The voice snapped, a young man entered the lifeless room.

I let go, watching the girl fall to the ground. She looked up at me, her expression terrified as she stood back up, stepping as far away from me as she could.

The man looked at the girl. "Get up Natasha!" He demanded and quickly Natasha left the room. When she left the man followed her, leaving me alone.

Then...time seemed to pass as I was in the same room except, Natasha was older, stronger, more confident.

I took a deep breath and made my first move, thrusting towards her with my knife in hand.

But she stopped my attack, forcing the knife out of my hand, taking it and holding it against my throat. She smiled evilly, her eyes saying "I finally beat you.."

I was to shocked at her quick attack that I didn't react. I just stood there, eyes wide.

The same man from before walked in, telling Natasha to leave. He looked at me and signaled for me to follow...

And so I did, following him through the halls, leading to a room I knew all to well. I stopped in front of the open door, staring at the chair..I knew what was coming but I had no choice. I entered, sitting down.

I felt the restraints tighten on my wrists and ankles, the metal digging into my skin. I took a shaky breath as I felt metal press on my left temple and cheek. I closed my eyes, waiting...and there it was, the surging pain in my skull, I had been stabbed, shot, beaten, I even had my arm ripped off...but nothing compared to this. I could feel all my memories being ripped away, everything that had started to slowly come back to me was gone in an instant. My mind was completely blank now..the perfect canvas for destruction and chaos.

This was my punishment..every time I failed.

And after that I never did...*

I woke up to Natasha standing by me, her eyes wide and her expression terrified. "Are you..are you okay?"

I sat up, looking around, nothing was destroyed thankfully. I shook my head, not wanting to say anything.

Natasha sat by me, looking at the floor as she spoke. "You were screaming..." she began. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head again. God, I hated that she kept seeing me this way...vulnerable..weak..I disgusted myself sometimes.

"Okay.." she then looked back at me. "We're going to fix this. I promise..."

I nodded and stayed quiet for a moment before finally speaking. "Can...can you stay here?" I asked sheepishly.

She gave me a small smile before nodding. She laid down by me,her face was just inches from mine.

I could feel my face heat up, thinking about her being just a little closer. I turned around, my back now facing her. This was stupid. Why did I even ask? I rolled my eyes, annoyed with myself. I then closed my eyes and went to sleep.

I woke up the next day, Natasha in my arms, she was awake, doing something on her phone, I felt as if my heart was going to come out of my chest. I was very surprised that she was so calm considering the past...it was as if she had forgotten everything I had done or she simply didn't care. Either way it was kind of comforting..

Upon realizing I was awake she looked at me with a smile. "No nightmares."

I just nodded and moved away from her, slightly embarrassed.

"Do you feel any better?" She asked, standing up.

I nodded, giving her a reassuring smile. "Yeah, I feel better. Thank you."

"Anytime." She walked to the kitchen. "You hungry?"

"No..I'm good." I replied, half listening to what she was saying and half thinking about how close we were...how calm she was around me..how she didn't seem to care about what I did..it reassured me that maybe things wouldn't be all that bad after all. I now had hope.

And that was the best feeling I've felt in a long time..


	5. Newcomer?

Chapter 5: Newcomer?

A few days have gone by, Natasha being here has benefited me in ways I couldn't imagine...I don't have as many nightmares now. She also helps me in understanding modern culture. Which I'm still struggling to figure out..

We were sitting on the couch when she got a message.

Looking at her phone she smiled and stood up. "Give me a second."

I raised an eyebrow at this, she seemed excited but I had a bad feeling. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." She said casually, giving me a reassuring smile.

My heart stopped when I heard a knock at the door. I held my breath, scared of who or what was behind it.

Natasha walked to the door. She opened it but not all the way. She spoke softly, I couldn't make out what she was saying.

I stood up. "Natasha? What's-?" I gasped when I saw who was behind the door.

It was Steve, he was holding a large box. He looked at me and we made eye contact, he looked at me like he had seen a ghost.

I stepped back and sat on the couch, to shocked to say anything. What was he doing here? Why was he here?

Natasha looked at me, giving me a I'm-sorry look before she opened the door all the way, revealing Steve.

I stayed quiet, staring at him. He looked at me with sad eyes and I had to look away. I knew I probably should have said something but I didn't.

Steve sat by me, the tension grew until finally I couldn't stand it anymore.

"What are you doing here?" I asked quietly, fumbling with with a loose string on my sweater.

"I wanted to see you." He looked at me. "I want you to know that I can help you. Things will go back to the way they were-."

"Things will never go back to the way they were." I frowned. "I'm not him Steve." I finally brought myself to look at him. "I'm not Bucky Barnes. I'm sorry, but that's the truth. I will never be able to be him knowing what I did to you, to Natasha, to your friends, to everyone who isn't here because I killed them." I looked away, tears pricked my eyes, the memories flooding into my mind.

Steve put his hand on my shoulder, I became tense from his touch, surprised at his gesture. "I'm sorry...I should've been more considerate." He gave a small sigh. "I want to help you get through this though. If you'll let me."

I shrugged, unsure. Should I let him into my life? Would I regret it? I didn't regret it with Natasha..so maybe? I didn't want to push anything. "You can visit whenever you like?" I said more as a question since I still didn't know if I wanted to see him again.

I didn't want to draw to much attention either. I mean..the whole world already knew about me, and if word got out that I was hanging out with Captain America and Black Widow, H.Y.D.R.A. would be all over me.

"I can do that." Steve smiled at me and I tried to fake a smile.

"Okay.." I sighed.

"What do you remember about me?" Steve asked after a moment of silence.

I stayed silent for a second, trying to gather everything I knew. "Well...I remember you watching me as I fell off the train." I quickly regretted saying that, since even for me it wasn't the best memory to mention. "I remember you getting into a fight..you were getting beat up so bad. I had to run in and beat the other guy up for you." I chuckled softly. "Then when your mother died..I remember telling you-." I stopped talking, because the words I told Steve when his mom died was probably not going to stay true to me.

Steve looked at me, expecting me to continue. When he realized I wouldn't say anything else he spoke. "You really remember all that?"

I nodded. "Yeah.." I remembered that and more...I wanted to say.

"I can see you've been holding up pretty well." He looked around, studying the apartment.

"Yeah. It hasn't been all that bad with Natasha here." I shrugged.

"That's great to hear." Steve smiled. "I'm really happy I got to see you."

I didn't really know what to say so I just gave a small smile.

He stood up and looked at the box that was by the door. "I brought that for you. It was Natasha's idea, but I hope you like it."

I thanked him and watched as he left, saying goodbye to Natasha. Once he left I grabbed the box,taking it to my room as I began to open it.

Natasha had knocked on the door and came in. "Hey...I just wanted to apologize about Steve. He wasn't really supposed to come over here, it must of been awkward..I'm sorry." She frowned.

I looked at her and shrugged. "It wasn't a big deal." I lied, it kind of was. I didn't know why I agreed to him being able to come over. I could see the disappointment that I was trying to avoid each time I looked at him and it was gnawing away at me. But I had to try and push it away for now.

"Thank god.." she said with a breath of relief. "I got so worried thinking you were mad at me."

I shook my head, smiling. "No it's okay really."

"Do you mind if I sit?" She asked, coming inside.

"Sure." I said as I focused my attention on the cardboard box that was in front of me. I opened it, looking inside there were a lot of envelopes, smaller boxs, and something that was wrapped in bubble wrap. I took out three of the envelopes and opened one of them.

The first one was a picture of me back then with Rebecca and Steve. Rebecca was sitting on my lap smiling. Steve, who was surprisingly super short and skinny, was sitting next to me. I would've never guessed that skinny boy in the picture would turn to the man I saw a few minutes ago.

"The box is filled with your belongings. Steve had gotten them from Rebecca. I had asked him to bring them here since I thought they might bring back some memories." She smiled. "I hope you like it."

I smiled, hearing her words. "I love it. Thank you so much." We looked into each other's eyes, I could feel the heat rising in my face. Looking at Natasha, her cheeks were turning red. I cleared my throat, looking away.

"Y-your welcome.." she gave an awkward smile and looked down.

I tried to keep myself focused on my belongings and tried busying myself by looking through the pictures. They helped me for sure, a few of them brought back pleasant memories...but I couldn't stop looking at Natasha, who was looking at the pictures as well. God, she was breathtaking..

Natasha noticed my staring and raised an eyebrow. "You okay?"

I looked away,embarrassed. "I'm fine." I said quickly as I forced myself to focus.

There was another picture that stood out to me. Interestingly enough, I wasn't in the picture. It was Steve and his mother. What was her name? I closed my eyes, trying to remember..

Sarah. That was her name. I smiled, Steve looked happier in that picture, happier than I could ever remember.

I put the pictures away. I still had a lot more to look through but I would save that for another time. I took out a velvet bag, opening it, a small dog tag fell out of it. The dog tag had my name imprinted on it and my military number on it as well. I put the dog tag around my neck and Natasha smiled.

"Did any of it help?" She asked.

"Yeah. A few pictures helped me.." I smiled back. "Thank you again. If there's anything I can do let me know.."

"I don't need anything in return. You getting your memories back is enough for me."

I smiled even more at her comment. How could she be so...so perfect? "Whatever you say.."

"I'm gonna make something to eat. Want anything specific?" She asked, getting out of the bed.

"No. Whatever is fine." I watched as she left and looked back in the box, seeing something wrapped in bubble wrap. I took it out and ripped through it, eager to see what was inside. My eyes widened in shock as I saw my old army uniform. I traced my fingers along the seams of the old fabric. I folded the uniform and put it back in the box.

I walked to the kitchen to find Natasha putting two plates of food on the table, she looked up at me and smiled softly.

For a reason I didn't know..I could feel my heart pounding as she looked at me, I gave a small smile back and sat down in front of her. I took small bites of the mix of chicken, potatoes, and broccoli. It tasted better than anything I could remember. "This is really good."

"Thank you." She replied, looking at me. "I just wanted to apologize about Steve again..I should've tried to talk to him or something." She frowned, picking at her food.

I looked up at her and shook my head. "Natasha it's okay.." I said, trying to reassure her. "You've done so much for me, you're helping me even though you get nothing from it. I have no reason to be mad at you. What happened was an accident and maybe it might be a good thing that Steve is going to be sticking around."

Natasha smiled. "Well..I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. I kind of owe you my life." She got more quiet as she spoke, her voice trailing off as if she was remembering something.

I had no idea what she was talking about. What did she mean she owes me her life? It was probably something that happened in the past. Another memory taken away from me...


	6. Attachment

Chapter 6: Attachment..

The week went on and Steve had visited twice, telling me the whole story behind the pictures I had received from him. Thankfully, he didn't ask to many personal questions or talked to me much.

There was one thing however this entire week that I couldn't get out of my head. When Natasha had told me she owed me her life last week, I was confused. I didn't know what she was talking about and I wanted to know. I refused to ask because if I did she might be disappointed that I don't remember and I can't deal with anymore people being disappointed in me.

That night, once I had fallen asleep, however, I found out what she mean't.

I was sitting on the bench, someone wearing a lab coat was injecting some liquid into my arm. I didn't know what it was or why he was injecting this mystery liquid into me, but I didn't move or show that I was uncomfortable, I just let him proceed with whatever he was doing.

Natasha was sitting across from me, we had just finished training. Her breathing was fast, almost as if she was panicked. I sat there the whole time, my gaze on her.

She was trying not to make eye contact with me, many times I assumed she was most likely deathly afraid of me, since she never looked me in the eye, she was always trembling when she got to close to me.

It should've bothered me..but it didn't. Since I knew I wasn't allowed to talk or make friends or get to know anyone.

After a while, the doctor or scientist or whoever he was that was injecting the mystery liquid into me, walked away. Moments after he left was when the guards started pouring into the room.

Most of them surrounded Natasha, grabbing her and pinning her to the wall.

I didn't know what was happening or why the men were trying to hurt her. I fought the urge to stand and do something but I didn't want to get punished. I clenched my jaw, frustrated.

One of the men, pulled out a syringe a clear liquid in it.

I knew exactly what that would do.

H.Y.D.R.A. used it on the new recruits who came in whenever they weren't good enough for the job. It basically drained them of they're energy, of their 'life force' if you will. Leaving them a lifeless corpse lying on the floor.

I'd seen it a hundred times, and I never did anything, because if I did, I would be next.

As much as I tried, I finally listened to the voice in my head and stood up, charging towards the men, ripping them away from the poor, helpless girl screaming for her life. I picked up Natasha, who was shaking nonstop, looking at me with wide eyes.

I ran out of the room and down the halls, trying to find a way for her to escape, but it was no use. The guards came back, more of them this time, pointing their guns at me. I gently placed Natasha on the ground.

I knelt by her, looking at her. "Take this and run like hell." I whispered in her ear, handing her a gun.

She looked at me like I was insane.

Maybe I was..

"What will you do?" She asked, trembling as she took the gun.

"Just go." I whispered and stood back up, glaring at the guards. I nodded to Natasha and she turned around and ran.

That's when I felt a sharp pain in my arm. I held my arm and clenched my jaw. One of the guards must have shot me. I took out the only pistol I had left and pointed it at the guard, shooting him in the chest. I watched as he fell to the ground with a thud.

I took in a deep breath. This is it. They'll surely kill me for this. The thought ran through my mind and honestly..

I didn't care anymore.

I looked behind me. Natasha was gone, hopefully I could've helped her.

I froze at the sight of the man in charge. Alexander Pierce.

He walked to me and I could tell he was furious. "Wipe him." He snapped.

I looked down, knowing what that meant. I wasn't going to get killed. I was going to be taken apart and put back together again. Over and over and over again, until I was 'perfected' as Pierce called it.

The guards led me to the room where they were going to rip me apart, take everything away and then take certain pieces of me that 'mattered' and put that together.

Which created a monster.

After I was brainwashed the guards took me to my cell.

I entered the small prison and both guards entered, grabbing my hands and chaining them the the wall. They took my legs and chained them to the floor. I couldn't sit or lay down even if I wanted too. I closed my eyes, leaning my head against the concrete wall, waiting to die. Why couldn't they just kill me now? Why? I kept disobeying them and I hoped maybe they would finally realize I wouldn't cooperate and they would kill me. Then I would finally be put out of my misery.

A few hours passed and Pierce opened the cell door, removing the chains. He walked with me in silence. We got to a room and I immediately recognized it when Pierce opened the door.

Cool air hit me and I walked inside. The room was empty except for a table and the cryo chamber and a scientist. Pierce nodded to the scientist and left.

The scientist walked slowly towards me and motioned for me to enter the chamber.

I walked inside the chamber. Of all the things I've been through going into cryo was something I didn't dread. The pain was usually quick.

Except for this time.

The chamber door closed and I felt the cold air against me.

It slowly got colder and colder until it felt like I was being stabbed everywhere multiple times. Over and over. It felt like it would never end.

After what felt like hours of torture, the cold air became less painful and my eyes gave in. I became unconscious. I would be taken out of the chamber whenever H.Y.D.R.A. needed me to do their dirty work.

I stayed there for 15 years until they finally brought me out again.*

I woke up the next morning with Natasha in my arms, she was still asleep. I decided to not move since I didn't want to wake her. She looked so peaceful as she slept. I moved a few strands of hair out of her face and stroked her cheek softly. After a while, she finally woke up.

She looked up at me, both our faces red out of embarrassment. We quickly pulled away from each other and after a few moments I spoke.

"Sorry about that-" I cleared my throat. "I was going to move but you were asleep and-."

Natasha cut me off. "It's okay. It wasn't such a big deal."

I nodded and thought back to the memory that came back to me. "Did you ever escape?" I blurted out.

Natasha looked at me. "What do you mean?"

"After the guards threatened to..to kill you." I gave a small sigh. "After I tried to help you escape? Did they find you?"

"Oh.." she avoided making eye contact. "I escaped, I was on my own for a while but..." she took a deep breath. "They found me."

I took in a shaky breath, trying to calm myself, I began shaking, just thinking of what they could have done as punishment. "I'm sorry.." Was all I could bring myself to say at the moment.

"It's okay. I'm here now right?" She gave a reassuring smile.

"No. It's not okay. Why did you say that you owe me your life? I didn't do anything. I just made it worse.." I clenched my jaw, frustrated with myself.

She didn't say anything for a while until she finally spoke. "I used to be scared for my life every time you entered that room." She began. "It was probably why I was always messing up. But when you saved me from the guards that day..I wasn't afraid anymore. I was always looking for you every time I had to go train."

She smiled. "Every day..I would ask if I could see you, but the guards said I wasn't allowed to be around you. You were the only thing keeping me going at the time. After you helped me I realized that there was someone out there who cared."

I froze, shocked by her words. "R-Really?"

"Yeah..I got punished one night because I snuck out of my room looking for you. I saw you.." she sighed. "You were in the chamber. 'What are you doing to him?' I would ask. They would respond with, "Be patient Miss Romanova. It's going to be your turn soon enough." I thought they killed you.." her voice trailed off and she bit her lip. "Until...until this happened." She lifted her shirt, revealing a scar on her stomach that was clearly a bullet wound. "It was after I was finally able to escape. Of course they had to send you to kill me.."

I sat there in shock, my gaze travelled to the scar I had left. I remembered that day clearly. I was sent to kill Natasha Romanoff and there couldn't be any witnesses.

I thought I killed her..I thought I had succeeded. But I didn't.

Soon after H.Y.D.R.A. found out she was alive. However her partner didn't make it.

"I'm sorry about that." I said, pointing to the scar.

"I know you are." She smiled, taking my hand, our fingers entwined.

I tensed up slightly when she took my hand. "Natasha?"

"Yeah?" She asked, looking up at me.

"I want to thank you." I gave a small sigh. "Before you came here I was..a mess. Well, you know..I didn't sleep or eat or did anything really. You brought out something in me I didn't think was possible." I admitted, biting my lip. "You've helped me to become someone I am actually somewhat proud of.."

Natasha scooted closer to me and kissed my cheek, a slight smirk on her face. "Your welcome."

I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks and looked away.

"Are you...blushing?" Natasha teased.

"N-no..I am not." I snapped, crossing my arms.

"You sure about that? Because your face says otherwise.." she shot back.

I rolled my eyes, blushing even more. "Your such a jerk." I muttered, grabbing a pillow and throwing it at her head.

Natasha took the pillow and swung it back at me. I jumped, standing on the bed, and grabbed the pillow from behind her. I swung it, connecting with her back.

Natasha pulled my legs out from under me and I toppled on the bed. She proceeded to hit me in the face with a pillow. "Gotcha." She declared.

"That's cheating.." I murmured from under the pillow. "No tackling."

"You can tackle." She argued.

"Fine." I charged, pushing her onto her back and pinning her arms down. We were both breathing heavily our faces only inches apart. I could feel her warm breath on my face, it made my cheeks flush.

"Playing dirty Barnes?" She smirked and reached for another pillow, hitting me in the face with it.

I gave her a serious look before falling onto my side. I looked at her from head to toe and bit my lip. "Why are you so perfect?" I whispered to myself.

Natasha looked at me with a confused expression. "What's that?"

"Nothing.." I grinned.

"You know what I've always wondered?" Natasha asked, still laying on her back. "Why do you always where that?" She took my metal hand which had a glove on. I always kept it on, I didn't like walking around with everyone staring at my arm.

I pulled my hand away and took off my glove. I took off my hoodie as well. My metal arm was exposed now, it was a little uncomfortable, seeing it reminded me of everything I went through. "I hate it.." I said, my gaze still on the piece of metal that was attached to me.

"I think it's cool." She took my hand again and traced the metal etchings. "I like it a lot." She smiled.

"Your just saying that to make me feel better." I said rolling my eyes playfully.

"No I'm being serious." She sat up and locked her eyes onto mine. "I like everything about you." She admitted.


	7. Home

A Reason To Live: Chapter 7: Home

The weeks turned into months. Things were going great except..Natasha would not stop asking me to cut my hair...

"Please James! You would look amazing! Please.." she begged, like a little girl asking her mother for a toy.

"For the last time. I said no. Why is this so important to you?" I asked, annoyed.

"Because I think it would look amazing." She said with a smile. "Come on James please..."

I rolled my eyes and put my dinner plate in the sink. "If I say yes you have to let me..." I paused. What could I do? What-? I smirked. "You have to let me take you out on a date."

"A date huh?" She pondered for a moment but then smiled brightly. "Deal." She bit her lip and put her plate into the sink. "I'll make an appointment for tomorrow." She said as she turned the faucet on to wash the dishes.

I stood there, realizing what just happened.

I asked Natasha..Natasha Romanoff on a date. I just asked her out.

And she said "yes."

I huge smiled spread across my face, I couldn't believe this just happened.

"James?"

I looked at Natasha. "Sorry..did you say something?"

She shrugged. "It wasn't important." She finished washing the dishes and looked at me. "You should get some sleep. You didn't sleep at all last night remember?"

"Oh yeah.." I mumbled. Last night I had a horrible nightmare and I didn't want to go back to sleep. Natasha stayed up all night with me. I hated when she saw me so vulnerable..

I walked to my room, laying down next to Natasha. We were facing each other. "When you said yes...to go on a date with me..you were being serious right?" I had to make sure she didn't think this was joke. If she did I would be humiliated.

"Of course I was.." she laughed softly. "I'm very excited actually." She admitted, her cheeks turning pink.

I smiled, amused by her nervousness. "Did I just get Black Widow, a spy and former assassin to blush?"

She rolled her eyes and turned around. "Go to sleep Barnes."

"I don't want too." I said, sitting up. "You know what I have an idea." I got out of the bed, grabbing a jacket. "Come on."

"What are you doing?" She asked getting up.

"I wanna do something." I grabbed a few blankets. "Grab a pillow."

Natasha shrugged and grabbed two pillows and we quietly made our way out of the apartment and up to the roof.

When we got to the roof I laid down the blankets and pillows. I then laid down, looking at the night sky. There were so many stars..I wondered how many were really up there.

Natasha laid down next to me and looked up at the sky. "It's beautiful.." she said with a smile. "This wasn't a bad idea.."

I smiled back. "I told you so.."

"Hush." She warned and laid her head on my chest. "Look!" She pointed to the sky, it was a shooting star. "Make a wish." She said before closing her eyes.

I closed my eyes and made my wish. When I opened them I found Natasha looking at me. "What did you wish for?" I asked.

"I can't tell you or else it won't come true." She said as if that was something I should've known. "Are you really that old? Everyone knows that." She teased.

I rolled my eyes and slid my arm around her waist and pulled her closer. The wind blew harder and it was getting colder and colder.

Natasha huddled against me, her eyes became heavy and she soon drifted off to sleep.

I was going to get up and take her back inside but my exhaustion gave in and I fell asleep as well.

I woke up on the roof, Natasha was gone..

My heart raced. Where'd she go? Is she okay? I stood up quickly and opened the door that led to the stairs, running to my apartment. I entered the apartment. "Natasha?" I asked, panic in my voice. "Natasha are you here?"

No answer.

She wouldn't just leave like that..not without telling me. I looked around for a clue and that's when I found a note taped to the fridge.

'I left early to get groceries and I have to meet up with Steve. I'll be back in a few hours. Can't wait for out date!'

I laughed softly as I read the note, there was a winking face at the end. I folded the note and put it in my pocket, I then realized..

Our date.

I had no idea what to do. The idea was completely improvised and I have no plan. On top of that the last time I went on a date was...

Did I even go on dates back then?

I pretty much have no experience. That's great. Just great.

I sat on the couch and pondered on what I was going to do.

We could go to dinner? I was definitely NOT going to make dinner, last time Natasha tried to teach me to cook...

It didn't go well.

We could go to the movies? Go to an amusement park? Go for a walk-?

And that's when it hit me.

I had an idea.

Natasha said she was going to be gone for a few hours so I had time to prepare..

It was 6:00pm when she got back, her expression tired and stressed.

I took the grocery bags from her and placed them on the kitchen counter. "You okay?"

"Yeah..just a little tired." She gave me a small smile. "You need a hair cut remember?"

"Oh yeah..that." I sighed. "Let's get this over with."

Natasha drove me to the barber shop and by the time he finished I was in shock.

My hair was pretty much identical to the hair I had back then. It was short and the barber shaved my beard and honestly..

I liked it a lot. I felt like a new person. We were in the car and I was looking at my reflection. I hadn't said anything to her at all.

"So? Are you going to tell me what you think?" She asked as we began driving back to the apartment.

I looked at her. "I love it. I love it so much..thank you." I smiled brightly.

"Thank god.." she gave breath of relief. "You look.." she smiled and studied me with out shame. "Handsome."

"Oh really?" I looked at her with a sly smile. "I don't believe I've seen this side of you before Ms. Romanoff."

"Get used to it." She said before stopping the car. "So about our date-?"

"You don't have to worry about anything. Just put on something nice to wear and I'll take care of the rest." I explained and got out of the car. I entered the apartment and quickly walked into my room.

"Note to self: remember to thank Steve after this." I said to myself as I looked at the box that was on top of my bed. I closed the door to my room and opened the box, taking out a white button down shirt and black dress pants. I changed and put on a black jacket and tie, which took me a while to figure out but I did it. I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled, happy with my appearance.

I grabbed the bouquet of flowers that was also on my bed and walked out of my room. I waited outside of Natasha's room for a few moments.

The door opened, revealing Natasha in a slim, red dress, her hair was in waves, the lighting made her eyes sparkle.

My heart skipped a beat when I saw her...I almost forgot what I was supposed to be doing. I held out the flowers to her. "T-these are for you.." I said nervously.

She took the flowers and smiled. "Thank you.." she went back into her room for a moment and then came back. "I think I'm ready to go."

"You look beautiful.." I looked at her in awe.

She blushed furiously and she walked out of her room. "You don't look bad yourself."

I took her hand and we walked back to the car but this time I was going to drive. It felt like forever until we finally got to the restaurant. We didn't speak at all in the car, mostly because we didn't know what to say. I got out of the car and walked to the passenger side, opening the door for her. I held out my hand.

Natasha took my hand and closed the door. "Thank you...I have to admit I'm a little nervous."

"That makes two of us". I said before entering the restaurant.

Steve really did it this time.

The restaurant was beautiful, it was probably very expensive and now I actually felt bad since Steve said he was paying for everything. A server came up to me and motioned for me to follow her.

Me and Natasha sat down at a table and when the server left I looked at Natasha. "What do you think?"

"It's amazing." She said, still studying the place. "How were able to get a reservation and all that?"

"I have my ways.." I winked at her and opened the menu. There were so many options I didn't know what to pick.

A waitress came to our table and we ordered our drinks and our food.

The food was amazing. It was like nothing I've ever eaten before in my life. Natasha seemed to enjoy it as well thankfully.

"So are you still going to keep in touch with Steve?" Natasha asked.

"As of now I am." I nodded to the waiter and gave her the check.

"I have done the impossible." She said proudly.

"Yes you have.." I smiled back and stood up.

Me and Natasha walked hand in hand to the car and I sat in the drivers seat.

Natasha sat down in the passengers seat. "Thank you for doing this."

"We're not done yet." I said as I began driving.

I kept driving until it seemed as if we were in the middle of nowhere.

"Where are we going?" Natasha asked.

"Just wait. Be patient." I noticed a small cottage and parked in front of it. We got out of the car.

"What is going on?" Natasha crossed her arms.

I walked to the cottage and opened the front door. I took her hand and led her inside. There were candles everywhere, rose petals along the floor leading to the living room which was cleared out. There was slow jazz music playing in the background.

Natasha's hand was over her mouth in shock. She let go of my hand, taking in her surroundings. "You did all this?"

"Yup." I smiled proudly and closed the front door.

"Oh my god I love you." She said with a laugh and pressed her lips to mine.

In that moment I realized how much I needed her and how lost I was without her. But I always was, just some soldier who forgot he ever had a home. Until she gave me one.


	8. A Book With A Silver Star

Chapter 8: A Book With A Silver Star

"So...are we going to keep doing this? Dating I mean.." Natasha asked as we were driving back to the apartment. Yesterday we had our date and spent the night at the cottage.

"Wasn't that the plan..?" I asked.

"Yeah. I just wanted to make sure." She gave a forced smile, but I could tell something was off.

"Is everything okay?" I glanced at her.

"Do you think we could make it work? I mean.." she paused, looking out the window. "I want to be with you James. I really do. It's just dangerous you know? H.Y.D.R.A. is looking for you, you still have the programing..what if they find you and take you away and you hurt someone-?"

"Are you saying you don't feel safe around me?" I asked, a little offended.

"No. That's not what I mean't. I mean us being together could lead to a lot of things.." she looked at me. "I don't want them to take you. I want to go to sleep knowing there's no one looking for you. There's also a lot of things I can't give you and it makes me feel.." she looked away. "I feel useless. I haven't helped you get better. You nightmares have been coming back more-."

I parked the car and sighed. "Natasha..everything will be okay. We are going to be okay. Nothing will happen to me." I gave a reassuring smile. "I promise."

Natasha entered the apartment first, I was behind her. When I got inside I walked to the kitchen, my back to her. "If you don't want to do this I understand.."

No response.

"Tasha?" I turned around to find Natasha laying on the ground, her eyes closed.

"Natasha?!" I knelt by her, checking her pulse. She was alive. Thank god..

I heard footsteps coming from across the house. I stood up quickly, my heart racing, and walked to the kitchen, scrambling to open one of the drawers to find a pistol. I grabbed it, my hands shaking, and pointed it towards the noise. "Who's there?" I snapped, my muscles became tense. Who was here?

I could hear the footsteps become louder, and a figure emerged from the hallway and walked towards me. He didn't look familiar at all. "You must be the Winter Soldier.." the man had a thick russian accent, his expression was calm even though he was having a gun pointed at his face.

"That's not who I am.." I said, trembling even more. "Who are you and what do you want?" I clenched my jaw, trying to ease the shakiness in my voice.

"I think you know." He smiled and glanced at Natasha for a moment before looking back at me. "Are you ready for your next mission Soldier?"

"What?" I looked at him with wide eyes, the gun was still pointing at him, I wanted to strangle him but I was to shocked to move.

He took out a red book with a silver star in the middle. "Mind if I read something to you?"

I looked at the book, and I was instantly transported to the H.Y.D.R.A. base in Siberia.

The officer would read from the book and speak in Russian...

"Желание...Ржавьlй...Семнадцать...Рассвет...Печь...Девять..Добросердечньlй..Возвращение на родину...Один...Грузовой вагон.."

Then he would say..

"Готов Солдат?"

Those words...just hearing and thinking about them made me want to puke.

The room spun and the gun began slipping from my hands. I tripped backwards, hitting my head against the counter. "G-get...that thing...away..from me..." I asked desperately, my head throbbed and I desperately searched for the gun. I found it on the ground and picked it up. I almost dropped it again when I heard the man speak.

"I'm starting to believe you now." He laughed. "You're not the Winter Soldier...your to weak to fight back. To scared. No wonder H.Y.D.R.A. was able to keep you for all those years-.."

The only sound I heard was a gun shot before everything went black.

My eyes opened and my head was still throbbing, my whole body ached. I sat up quickly when I remembered...

Natasha. The man with the book.

I stood up and realized I was in my room. I walked to my dresser and opened the drawer. Under the pile of clothes was a knife. If he was here, I wouldn't hesitate this time. I walked out of the room, every noise made me jump. Even the echo of my own footsteps frightened me at one point. I walked into the living room, holding onto the knife tightly, only to find Steve standing, looking out the window.

"Where's Natasha..?" I managed to say, my voice breaking. Why wasn't she here? Why was Steve alone? What's going on?

"I thought both of you were dead.." Steve said, his back still facing me. "I came in to find you passed out, Natasha unconscious and a man laying dead on the floor." His voice was stern. "What happened?"

"I don't know.." I whispered. "He was looking for me...he was about to...try and turn me b-back.." I dropped the knife, my hands began trembling again.

Steve turned around and looked at me with pity. He walked up to me and picked up the knife, putting it onto the kitchen counter. "The man wasn't H.Y.D.R.A." Steve said with a sigh. "I don't know why he would look for you."

"Where is Natasha?" I asked, ignoring his comment.

"She's fine." Steve said calmly.

"Where is she?" I asked again sternly.

"She said she has some things to do. I don't know where she is." He paused. "Are you okay?"

I didn't respond. My legs gave in and I collapsed to the floor, covering my face with my hands. I was weak. The man was right. I didn't even fight back. "I'm pathetic..." I whispered. "I couldn't even save myself."

"Your not pathetic Buck.." Steve said in a calm manner. "Your the strongest one out of the two of us. You always have been. All the horrible things you went through and look now, you actually managed to move on. You tried to get better."

I rubbed my eyes and looked at the floor. "You said you don't know where Natasha is.."

"No. I don't know where she is. I think you should rest for a bit." Steve said.

"I'm not tired." I finally looked up at him. "Who was he?"

"He never worked for H.Y.D.R.A. but he did a lot of research about them. We found his house and me and Natasha searched through it, he was looking for you and other Winter Soldiers.." Steve glanced at me but then looked back at the floor. "Did you know there were more of them?"

I nodded. "Yeah..." I bit my lip. "I know all about them..." I said quietly. "I was the weakest out of all of them.."

My mind transported me to the training room..

I was on the ground, my face covered in blood, I stood back up slowly but I received a blow to my stomach from the other Soldier and I fell onto my side. My body ached and my head was pounding. I heard someone yelling before I went unconscious.

"There were four...no. Five. There were five of them.." I took in a shaky breath. "They got out of control eventually..they killed four officers. I was the only one stupid enough to follow orders. They kept me and put the other five in cryo."

"Do you know where they are?" Steve asked.

"Siberia probably.." I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the wall.

"We need to get them." Steve said after a moment of silence.

"What?" I opened my eyes and looked at him in shock. "Are you insane? They'll kill you."

"You don't know that." Steve said, his expression calm.

"I almost got killed by one of them. Imagine four more." I stood up walking towards him. "They will kill you in a matter of seconds. You don't know them like I do..." Was he actually going to go after them?

"Are you going to stop me?" Steve shot back.

I stayed quiet..I was unsure myself. Would I stop him? I didn't want anything to do with H.Y.D.R.A. if he wanted to go that was his business...right?

"No." I shook my head. "I won't stop you..but don't say I didn't warn you."

Steve's calm expression changed to disappointment. He didn't say a word before leaving.

I walked to the bathroom and looked at my reflection. Yesterday I was proud of this person staring back at me but now..

I felt something different.

"I hate you.." I muttered under my breath.

I took off the glove that was on my metal hand and punched the mirror, the glass shattered and fell to the floor. I feel could the sharp glass piercing my skin, but I didn't care. Not anymore. I didn't want to live like this..

I stepped back and sat against the wall, covering my face in my hands.

The red book with a silver star sat on the table in front of me. Of all the torturous things I went through here you'd think the thing that would scare me the most was the weapons and the beatings. But no.

It was that little book with a sliver star.

That book made me what I was.

The officer would open it turning to page 17 and read the words..the words..

Longing..Rusted..Seventeen..Daybreak..Furnace..Nine..Ben-gin..Homecoming..One..Freight Car..

The little book with a silver star..

He would open it. Pages turning. Silence followed. He closes the book.

Then comes the monster.*

"James?"

I looked up, coming back to reality. Natasha was sitting in front of me. "Natasha.." I looked at her and suddenly felt ashamed. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."

"It's okay." She bit her lip. "I'm not mad...you didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry I didn't come sooner..I just needed to clear my head. Are you okay?"

I shrugged, staring at my hands. "You wanna know what my wish was?" I looked up at her. "My wish was for me to good enough for you. To be strong enough.." I paused. "But it never came true.."

Natasha looked at me, her eyes filled with sadness. "That's not true and you know it."

"Yes it is." I looked at the floor, realizing that Natasha must have cleaned the glass off the floor. "I was scared..I was a coward."

"What you went through was traumatizing. It left scars that might never heal. I get that. It's okay to be scared. Your still trying to get over what happened. Your strong James. I know you'll fight through it." She gave me a sad smile. "You should sleep more." She said as she moved some of the strands of hair covering my face.

I didn't respond. The images of Natasha unconscious and the man with the book kept coming back to me. The words kept repeating in my head...

"Желание...Ржавьlй...Семнадцать...Рассвет...Печь...Девять..Добросердечньlй..Возвращение на родину...Один...Грузовой вагон.."


	9. Let Go

Chapter 9: Let go..

The dead bodies...so many people dead..

Dead.

Because of the Winter Soldier.

I didn't sleep for a few nights...

I kept seeing him. The Winter Soldier. He's always there..watching. Waiting for the right moment to strike.

Steve decided to stay for a while until I was getting better. But if that was the case he was probably going to be staying for a long time because I never improved. At all.

"Buck? Did you hear me?"

I looked at Steve and frowned. "No sorry. I was thinking about something.." I muttered.

"I think maybe you should get...professional help with what your going through. I have a friend who-.."

"What do you mean by professional help?" I asked.

"Like a doctor." Steve sighed. "A doctor who could help you with the trauma."

"Doctor?" The closest memories I had of doctors were the doctors or scientists at H.Y.D.R.A.

The needles and syringes and scalpels and papers and-

"I'll let you think about it." Steve said before standing up and walking away.

Natasha sat by me and ran her fingers through my hair, humming a song I didn't recognize. "How are you feeling?"

"He's still there." I sighed. "I wish it would all just go away."

I tensed up as I saw a dark figure standing in front of me. His face was covered by a mask and the most noticeable thing about him was his arm. His metal arm.

"I know." She kissed the top of my forehead. "I wish he would go away too."

"How did you get away from it?" I asked, my eyes still fixed on the Winter Soldier.

"I don't know honestly..I think once I accepted myself and felt that I was 'redeemed' so to speak, it went away." Natasha shrugged. "I had blood in my ledger and I wiped it out."

"You make it sound so easy." I looked at her and it felt as if my worries were gone. I wrapped my arm around her waist, pulling her closer.

"We'll figure it out." She smiled reassuringly. "I know we will. It'll just take time."

She always said that..at this point I think she was just saying that to herself. "Yeah..." I gave her a small smile.

"About what Steve said..." Natasha sighed. "He really thinks it'll be good for you."

"Yeah but Steve doesn't think for me. I don't think me seeing a therapist is a good idea. I don't need to be telling some random stranger my problems when I have people here that I trust and that I know won't let me down." I held Natasha's hand in mine.

"But they can give you what I can't." Natasha avoided making eye contact with me as she spoke. "As much as I've tried I haven't helped you. Mentally speaking. These 'doctors' know how to deal with these things, I think maybe you should try it out for a few days at least."

"I don't know Tasha.." I could tell she really wanted me to do it. I guess I should...I owe it to her. "One week?" I asked with a smile.

"Deal." She smiled back and gave me a quick kiss. "I'm going to go take a shower." She said before standing up.

I looked at Steve who walked back into the living room. There was a bit of tension between us since the day that Russian guy came. I knew he partially blamed me for what had happened..and he was kind of right. "I'm sorry for everything." I randomly said.

"It's okay. I just want to get this fixed as soon as possible." Steve simply said and held his hand out. "We're good right?"

I took his hand and shook it. "Yeah. We're good." I stood up. "I talked to Natasha. One week of the therapy stuff and that's it."

"Really?" He looked at me in shock. "I thought it would take a lot more convincing."

"I'm mostly doing it for Nat. I owe her a lot and she wants me to do it. I also wanted to thank you. You've done a lot and I'm sorry I haven't been as appreciative." I did honestly felt a little guilty, Steve's been staying here and he has done so much for me.

"No problem. I'll always be here." He smiled. "I have some things to do...I'll be back in a bit."

I nodded in response and watched as he left the apartment before walking into my room. Now that I was alone I could take in everything. I was going to be seeing a therapist and now that I thought about it...

It sounded horrible.

I don't know how I would be able to last even a week. I huffed in annoyance as I sat on my bed, running my hand through my hair. This was going to suck so bad. How did Steve know the therapist was able to be trusted? What if they tell someone about me? What if they're H.Y.D.R.A.? Maybe I am being dramatic but...anything could happen.

And I was not ready for that.

I snapped back into reality when Natasha entered the room. "Hey..you good?"

"Yeah. Of course.." I almost said sarcastically. "Everything okay with you?"

"Yeah..you just look a little bummed out I guess." She shrugged and sat by me.

I couldn't help but notice her wet hair as it draped along her shoulders, her blue eyes filled with worry. "I'm okay..really. I do like how much you worry about me though.." I smiled and moved a strand of hair behind her ear gently.

"Good. I'm always going to worry about you Barnes." She smiled back.

I gave a forced laugh, realizing how much Natasha had to put up with when it came to me. I mean..the nightmares in the middle of the night, the hallucinations, the constant threat of being taken away...

"I'm such a mess.." I said with a sigh.

"Your my mess." Natasha held my hand in hers, trying to reassure me. "I love you.." she said before pressing her lips to mine.

I pulled away, biting my lip. I could still feel the warmth of her lips on mine, the warmth I longed for but now...it almost felt wrong. "Natasha..." I said her name quietly, looking at her.

"What's wrong?" She asked, her expression even more concerned.

"I try to tell myself otherwise but- I can't- I feel so useless and I want to be better. For you- but of course I'm not and I feel like I'm just a problem for you. I'm just this burden on you and I don't want that for you." I ran my hand through my hair, gripping it tightly in frustration. "I want to be enough.."

"You are enough for me." Natasha took my face in her hands. "You always have been. Your not a burden or a problem or anything like that. James..your the best thing that's happened to me."

Her eyes spoke so much more than her words did, I knew she was being honest and I could see that but I also saw the fear in her eyes. It was the fear of losing me. "Your really okay with all-" I gestured to myself. "This..?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I am. I love you so much James. Don't you ever forget that."

"I won't forget. I promise..." I bit my lip, something that became a habit now, and leaned my forehead against hers, my arms wrapped around her waist. "I love you too...more than anything."

That night, I couldn't sleep as usual, but it wasn't because of nightmares it was because my mind wouldn't shut up.

So many questions. So many "what ifs". So many doubts. My mind blamed me. Hated me. Bullied me. Tortured me. What to do what to do what to do what to do...

I sat up, glancing at Natasha who was still asleep. I walked to my dresser and grabbing a shirt, putting it on and also grabbed a hoodie before leaving the apartment.

My mind was driving me crazy, going through so many things at once that it was making my head spin. I walked up the stairs and went to the roof. I sat on the edge, I had a sense of deja vu as I looked down, my legs dangling off the edge, the cars and trucks driving, people walking past going about their business.

The thought of falling...

What would it be like? It would be a quick way to go...

I leaned forward slightly, the only thing really keeping me from falling was my metal hand, holding onto the concrete. I could feel the metal digging into the concrete. What if I just-?

I let go.


	10. No Worries?

Chapter 10: No worries?

I didn't fall. Something, or someone rather, was pulling me back, I turned around, grabbing whoever it was by the collar. I quickly let go upon recognizing that unmistakeable, fiery, red hair. "What the hell Natasha?!" I whisper-yelled, as if the whole world would hear us if I talked louder.

"What were you doing!?" She asked, her eyes were terrified, haunted even. "James don't tell me you were-" she covered her mouth with her hands, tears pricking her eyes.

I stayed quiet, clenching my jaw. What could I say? She saw what I was about to do...and when I thought about it I don't even know why I did it.

"I wasn't thinking straight. I'm sorry." I covered my face in my hands. What the hell was I thinking? "It's so loud..my mind. My thoughts. It all just comes. Pouring on me. It's to much. I can't-" My voice was breaking. I paused, swallowing the lump in my throat. "No matter how hard I try. Or you try. Or Steve tries. It never works...it never works." I could feel a tear stream down my cheek. "I want to live a normal life.." I said as I saw the figure of the Winter Soldier standing behind Natasha, reminding me he was still there.

Natasha walked up to me, her eyes locked on mine. "I know baby...I know.." she took my hand and held it tightly. "But this isn't the way to fix things. I know I keep saying it but we can do this okay? Together. I will keep fighting for you like you did for me. I will fight until I can't fight anymore." Tears ran down her cheek, her voice breaking. "Just don't leave me. Please.." she begged. "If there's one thing I need from you it's that. I can't lose you. I can't."

I nodded, pulling her to me, hugging her tightly, burying my face into her neck. "Okay.."

Deep down...there were so many things that could happen that I didn't know if I could keep that promise. So many things could happen, so many bad things. I hated all the uncertainty. At this point, I was just waiting for disaster to strike.

Natasha hadn't slept that night, and neither did I, we just stayed in each others arms, the both of us consumed by our own thoughts.

I kept dreading tomorrow...the therapist was supposed to come and I was not ready.

But of course time moves on whether you like it or not.

The next day I was sitting on the couch, biting my lip and fiddling with the end of my sweater, Natasha sat by me. "It's going to be fine."

"Yeah. Sure. Totally." I said with a sigh. "Can he just get here already?" I asked, annoyed because he was supposedly 'running late'. Steve finally walked through the front door, a man probably in his late thirties walked in, he wore what you would expect a doctor to wear.

A white coat. Looking at it made my stomach churn.

I remembered the doctors coming up to me, injecting fluids I didn't even know into me. The experiments and tests and needles and-

"You must be Mr. Barnes."

I looked up, realizing he was standing in front of me, his hand held out.

I shook his hand. "That's me."

"Don't worry. Your secrets are safe with me, I am a good friend of Steve's." He glanced at Steve for a moment before grabbing a chair and sitting in front of me. "Could you leave us alone for a moment?"

Steve nodded and left. Natasha didn't move, glancing at me for a moment and giving my hand a squeeze before leaving as well.

She seemed to be nervous too..

I said nothing and stared at his coat, biting my lip hard. "C-can you take that off please..?"

He gave me a skeptical look before shrugging and taking off his coat, putting it on the floor beside him. "Your name is James right?"

"Yeah." I avoided making eye contact with him, but I could feel his eyes studying me, trying to understand me. I wouldn't let him, at least not yet.

"I hear you start seeing things? A figure of some kind?" He asked, taking out a clipboard and pen from his...

Was it a purse? Why would he carry a purse? Was it some sort of 'man-purse' or something? I shook my head, remembering what he asked me.

I simply shrugged in response. Did this man really expect me to tell him everything?

He seemed to know what I was thinking, which was kind of freaky, but anyways-

He wrote something down and looked back up at me. "I know it's hard to trust someone you don't know, but I can try to help you James. But...the only way I can help is if you talk to me."

I crossed my arms,finally looking him in the eye. Just do it...you have to talk to him. Do it for Natasha, my mind kept telling me. There was a moment of silence but I finally spoke. "I see myself- or who I used to be rather.." I sighed.

"Do you see him all the time? Or do you see him at specific moments?" The man asked.

"I see him at random I guess. He usually goes away when I'm relaxed but that's not very often." I admitted.

"And you have nightmares correct?"

"Yeah." I leaned back, trying to get myself a little more comfortable.

"Could you describe them for me?" He wrote down more notes before looking up at me, waiting for an answer.

"W-well..." I looked at my hands as they began shaking. I held them, trying to get it to stop but they wouldn't as I thought back on the nightmares.

Flashes of the nightmares instantly came to my mind.

The book. The words. The punishments. The training room. The blood. The soldiers. The experiments. The needles. The screaming. The-

"James?" The man asked, concern in his voice.

I snapped back into reality and looked at him. "Oh uhm..sorry..I see things from m-my past.." I said quietly. "Stuff from H.Y.D.R.A."

"Okay..." he was muttering something under his breath as he continued to write. "How have you been holding up? I'm sure learning how everything works in the modern world is challenging."

"I have Natasha and Steve. They've helped a lot." I said, looking at my hands again, which were still shaking.

"Is there anything you want to say? Anything you want to talk about?"

I don't know what happened or why I said what I did but I told him about yesterday when I was on the roof. I told him that I let go of the edge, but Natasha stopped me from falling.

"I honestly don't know why I did it...it was really weird. Like I wasn't in control of myself. Hell, I never really am I guess.." Why did I just admit all that? I thought right after I spoke.

"This is good information. Thank you for letting me know all these things. I know it can be hard. I can give you medicine for the nightmares and hallucinations, the medicine will prevent them." He paused.

"As for what happened yesterday.." he glanced at me before looking back at his papers. "I think you not being in control has something to do with your H.Y.D.R.A. programming. Maybe the programming in your mind is making you do things you wouldn't usually do." He crossed his arms. "Were you actually intending on causing harm to yourself?"

I stayed quiet, actually unsure of that myself. "I don't know..maybe I was."

He nodded, a look of pity in his eyes before he stood up. "It was very nice to meet you James." He smiled. "Thank you so much for letting me help."

I gave my best fake smile. "No, thank you." I held my hand out and he shook it.

The therapist left and Steve went with him, it was just me and Natasha. We were eating dinner and we hadn't spoke about the therapist.

"So..what did you think?" Natasha looked at me, her expression tired yet very curious.

"Of the therapist? He was nice. I don't know honestly..." I shrugged, taking a bite of the food.

"Do you want to keep seeing him?" She asked, taking a sip of her drink.

"I don't know. It's only the first day Tasha.." I looked up at her, and took her hand in mine. "I'm so sorry about yesterday. I just want you to know..I never actually wanted to hurt myself. I wasn't in control of myself. I don't know how to explain it." I huffed, frustrated that I couldn't find an answer to anything anymore.

"I know." Natasha looked at me, there was still something there though, sadness? Disappointment maybe? I couldn't tell. "I know you wouldn't do something like that. We just have to make sure it doesn't happen again." She said before she continued eating.

"Yeah..right." I picked at my food, not completely satisfied with her response. There was more behind it, something she wasn't telling me, but I didn't want to push anything. After I finished eating I put my plate in the sink. "Are you tired?"

"Yeah..I don't know if I'll get much sleep though.." she said, putting her plate into the sink.

I wrapped my arms around her, burying my face into her neck, kissing her smooth skin softly. I wanted to stay like this forever, just me and her, having no worries at all. I pulled away, seeing her cheeks slightly flushed.

She turned around and my expression then turned serious.

"I'm unsure of a lot of things. There's so many doubts and what ifs and I don't know what's going to happen to us and that scares me to death." I held her a little closer, as if she would disappear if I let go. "But you...you've been the only thing that I'm actually sure about. Your the only good thing in my life and I want you to know that I will not let anyone take you away from me. Ever."

She smiled, a real genuine smile. She put her arms around my neck, leaning up and kissing me. She pulled away for a moment, her face inches from mine. "I think if we just focus on what's standing right in front of us..we can be happy. Not worrying about what could happen but worrying about what we might be missing out on now."

I locked my eyes on hers and bit my lip. "I'll try..." I wanted nothing more than that. To have no worries..

But with everything going on it didn't seem possible.


	11. Therapy

Chapter 11: Therapy

I had just finished my session with the therapist, whose name I found out was Dr. Robinson. He had given me like 500 different pills to take for the problems I had and he gave me a sheet that told me when to take them. He didn't ask as many difficult questions though, which was relieving for me.

I spent most of the day today with Steve, going through the pictures he gave me a while back, and just talking about all kinds of stuff. It almost made me feel sad to see how excited he was when he talked, he talked to me like I was his best friend.

But I wasn't. I wasn't his childhood friend from 1945. Sure I would be friends with him but it pained me that he saw me as someone I'm not.

"Do you remember the time we spent all our train money to buy hot dogs?" Steve laughed to himself. "We had to run around and try to ask people if they could lend us money and we came home late." He smiled. "Your mom was so mad at us. She grounded you for two weeks." He chuckled, he seemed happier than I ever remembered.

I don't remember, I wanted to say. I don't remember at all..

"Yeah.." I gave a fake smile and tried to remember but it was just blank. I sighed, wishing I could remember something so simple but of course my mind didn't want to cooperate.

"So anything new with you and Natasha?" Steve asked, a smug look on his face.

"No not really.." I said, slightly confused by the sly grin on his face. "Do you have a special someone I don't know about?" I teased.

Steve rolled his eyes playfully. "No. Not at the moment..." his words became quieter as he spoke, he seemed to be deep in thought. "There was one girl though.." he began. "Back then, before I went into the ice. She worked for the army, her name was Peggy. She was the love of my life, no one could ever replace her.." he smiled softly.

"I'm sorry." I gave him a look of sympathy. "Have you seen her at all? Since you came back?"

"Yeah. I've visited her a few times." He sighed. "She eventually moved on, got married. She lived her life to the fullest..." he shrugged. "I guess I've had a harder time moving on."

"We both have." I put my hand on his shoulder, reassuringly. "But that's part of life I guess...you gotta learn how to move on."

"Yup." Steve looked up quickly upon hearing the door open, watching Natasha as she entered the apartment. "Hey Nat." He waved.

Natasha waved back and smiled at me.

I returned her smile and heard a buzz, I took out my phone from my back pocket.

Natasha had bought me a phone a few days ago and she installed an alarm to remind me when to take my medicine.

The only problem was I didn't know how the damn thing worked.

I looked at the lit up screen, seeing an orange button that said 'Stop.' I clicked it, using my metal hand, but it wouldn't stop. I rolled my eyes, annoyed with this tiny little box thing. I looked at Steve. "Can you help me with this stupid phone?"

He smiled and took it from me, and with no effort at all, pressed the stop button, silencing the phone. "It's not that hard Buck.." he said with a laugh.

I glared at him and took the phone back, putting it in my back pocket before walking to the kitchen to take the medicine.

And that was my routine for the next few days..

Me and Natasha went on our second date, which was us going to eat breakfast at this cafe, watching a movie that came out, and hanging out at home.

I would see Dr. Robinson for the next few days.

Thursday came, I only had three more days until I was going to decide whether I still wanted to see Dr. Robinson.

"The pills have somewhat been working...but it hasn't helped a whole lot." I said with a sigh, looking at Dr. Robinson. "How long is this going to take until I'm fixed?"

"Based on your circumstances I have no idea. It will most likely take longer but don't worry. I will help you." He gave me a reassuring smile. "Anymore thoughts about...hurting yourself and such?"

I shook my head. "No...I mean I am upset with myself of course. I don't think there's ever been a time where I was happy with myself besides...me and Natasha. That's the only good thing in my life and I can't lose it."

"Having someone like that is a very good thing. You're lucky to have her." He paused. "Just keep doing your treatments and if you want to talk you can always call me whenever you like. Anytime of the day." He stood up and shook my hand. "It's good to see you again James."

"Thank you." I gave a small smile and watched as he left.

Steve was out doing god knows what and Natasha was at the store, so I was alone for most of the day.

Well, alone with my thoughts..

They weren't as harsh and as stressful as before but more like:

What would happen if I get fixed? Me and Natasha could build a future. We could maybe even..

Get married?

Oh my god Barnes you've only been dating for a month and a half and now your thinking of getting married?

But it could happen..

Just imagining her walking down the aisle with a white dress made my cheeks flush.

Man I had problems..

I walked to the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror, I didn't have bags under my eyes like I did a week ago. I looked so much like my past self that it brought back some of the few memories I had of the past. I quickly walked back to my room and looked under my bed as I remembered..

I took out the box with all the pictures and looked for the small box that held my old army uniform.

I found it and took it out. I wondered if it would still fit..

After a few minutes I was wearing the uniform, with the hat and dog tag to complete it. I walked back to the bathroom, looking at my reflection.

I looked like Bucky Barnes.

I smiled, raising my hand and saluting.

"Not bad Sargent."

I turned around and saw Natasha, studying me.

I grinned. "Hey beautiful." I said before pressing my lips to hers.

She pulled away, smiling. "You look..amazing."

I could feel my face heat up like crazy as she looked at me up and down. "T-thank you."

She gave an amused grin. "Your cute when your flustered."

"Shut up." I muttered, rolling my eyes as I walked out of the bathroom.

"You know you love me." She said with a wink.

"Can't argue that." I smiled and walked back into my room. Looking at the clock, it read: 10:00pm. I changed back into my regular clothes and laid down on my bed. The thought never left my mind:

What if me and Natasha do get married?

Natasha soon walked in, laying down next to me, her head on my chest.

And that's when suddenly the world felt right. I ran my hand through her hair, and smiled at her. "What would I do without you?"

"You'd be more of a mess than you already are.." she joked, though it was probably true.

I sighed. "How was your day?"

"It was okay I guess. It was nice to have some time to myself.." she paused. "What about you?"

"I saw Dr. Robinson..he told me that the medicine would probably take a while to start affecting me. After that it was just...normal I guess? Though my life is never really normal."

"At least our lives are interesting right?" Natasha smiled.

I shrugged, and bit my lip. "Do you ever think - and I'm just thinking out loud here - that we would ever get married?"

Natasha looked up at me, an unreadable expression on her face. "It's definitely a possibility." She gave a small smile. "One day.." she kissed my cheek. "I would like for it to work. But of course we need to take our time."

"Right. Of course.." I smiled back. "I love you so much."

"I know." She yawned, snuggling against me even more. "Let's go to sleep." She whispered before closing her eyes.

"Okay." I whispered back, reaching over to turn off the lamp. I wrapped my arms around her and we soon drifted off to sleep.

Three weeks later...

I agreed to have more sessions with Dr. Robinson. The pills actually helped to my surprise and my nightmares and hallucinations slowly went away. Not completely of course, but to the point where I could relax.

And that was something I was not going to take for granted.


	12. Bad News

Chapter 12: Bad News

Steve came into my room, a distressed look on his face. "I have some...bad news." He said with a sigh as walked towards me.

Steve's expression was serious. Too serious. Whatever happened was not going to be good at all. "What happened?" I asked, holding my breath.

"He got kidnapped...Dr. Robinson." Steve bit his lip. "That was this morning. We found him today at an abandoned warehouse..."

"Is he okay?" I asked. Realization hit me in the face. "It was H.Y.D.R.A. wasn't it?"

"They killed him before we got there. We found him...dead." Tears pricked Steve's eyes as he took a deep breath.

"Oh my god..." I whispered and looked at Steve with pity. "I'm so sorry."

He shrugged. "Can't save everyone..." he said mostly to himself rather than towards me. "We need to stop this Buck.."

"We?" I scoffed. Was he really that stupid to think I would go with him? "Sorry buddy but I'm not going to get myself back into the same mess I was in for 70 years. Don't you get it? H.Y.D.R.A. took Bucky Barnes and killed him. Ripped him to shreds and turned him into me. They tortured me and beat me until there was nothing left but broken pieces to put back together and make a monster. That's what they do to you. They take away everything from you and turn you into something horrible. You want that...be my guest." I snapped.

He had kept bringing up going back to the base to stop the remaining H.Y.D.R.A. workers left...I don't know why he would keep asking me. Did he think I was all of a sudden better enough to go? Well...I definitely wasn't. And even if I was, I wasn't going back.

"I am trying to get free of them don't you get that?! I have been for a year now and they are still in my head! I swear to God Steve if I hear one more word about going back I will throw your sorry ass out that window." I ran my hand through my hair, gripping it tightly.

Steve said nothing, he was looking at the floor, his teeth clenched. "Buck I'm sorry...I really am. I just thought maybe it would be good because then you could redeem yourself in a sense. Helping people and saving yourself at the same time if that makes sense." He frowned. "I'm really sorry...I should go."

"Yeah you should." I muttered under my breath and said nothing else, hearing his footsteps as he left the room.

Was I to harsh on him?

I tried shrugging it off and laid in my bed for the rest of the day, trying to process everything. H.Y.D.R.A. won't stop. They are coming and I needed to prepare. I stood up, walking to the kitchen, I opened one of the drawers and grabbed my pistol, taking it with me to my room. I had to be ready if they came for me or Natasha or Steve. I took the pistol and put it under my pillow.

I heard my phone buzz and I took the pills I need to take, the pills made me super tired and I ended up falling fast asleep.

When I woke up, Natasha had just come back, she was laying down beside me, her back facing me.

"Natasha." I whispered. "Are you awake?"

She turned around, her face gave off an annoyed expression. "I am now."

"I missed you." I smiled and kissed her forehead.

She rolled her eyes playfully. "I was only gone for a few hours you dork."

"I know but it felt like forever." I sighed. "Did Steve tell you anything..?"

Natasha nodded, her smile fading. "He wants to make it up to you. He feels horrible...and Dr. Robinson...I can't believe something like that would happen."

"We need to be more careful." I said upon remembering the pistol. "It'll get better...once H.Y.D.R.A. realizes that they can't get me back they'll stop. Hopefully. I won't let anything happen to us."

"I know you won't." She sighed and gave me a quick kiss. "Get some sleep."

"Okay." I turned around, and soon fell back asleep.

The days passed, I hid weapons around the apartment, ready for any 'attack' that would be thrown at me.

Natasha thought I was being a little paranoid but I just ignored her. Steve actually agreed with me and he kept his shield by him at all times.

I actually felt confident that H.Y.D.R.A. wouldn't stand a chance against the three of us.

Two super soldiers and a former master assassin?

We would be okay...

Right?


	13. Going Back Home

Chapter 13: Going Back Home

The slow music played in the background as me and Natasha swayed back and forth. I closed my eyes, trying to capture this memory and hold onto it forever. It was moments like this that made me feel like the luckiest person in the world.

Natasha looked up at me, her eyes sparkling.

I looked at her, my heart skipping a beat. She was so...unreal, like something from a dream. I bent down, kissing her lips softly.

It was moments like these that made me feel at home.

I pulled away, a smile on my face. "I wish we could stay like this forever.."

"Me too.." she smiled back, leaning her head on my chest.

"I was thinking maybe we could go out tonight?" I suggested.

"That would be amazing." She wrapped her arms around my neck, looking up at me. "Steve's visiting Peggy and he was going to hang out with Sam today so we'll have the whole day to ourselves."

"Perfect." I grinned.

A few moments passed, everything was going perfectly fine until-

The glass shattered in the living room window, I quickly pulled Natasha towards me, protecting her from the glass. I could feel the stinging pain all over my body as the glass pierced me, but I didn't care.

For the first time in a year I had a mission.

To get away the hell away from here.

"Are you okay?" I asked, letting go of her.

"Yeah. I'm fine." She stepped back.

I took her hand in mine and ran to my room, grabbing my pistol from under my pillow. I walked back to the window and looked down.

There was no one there.

"That was weird.." I muttered and looked back at Natasha. "We need to go."

She nodded. "Let me call Steve and let him know."

I walked towards the front door, removing the loose floorboard and taking out a backpack. I put it on and looked at Natasha.

"He said he's coming to pick us up." She walked towards me.

"Good." I opened the door, my eyes widening as I saw something fly into the room.

It was a grenade.

I grabbed Natasha by the arm and we ran out the door and down the stairs. I could hear a loud 'bang!'

My ears were ringing and my head was pounding, I was still holding onto Natasha's hand tightly, running out of the apartment.

We were outside, I gave a breath of relief when I saw Steve's car.

We ran to the car, quickly getting inside. I sat in the back next to Natasha.

"Are you guys okay?" Steve asked as he started the car.

"Still in one piece." Was all that Natasha said, she looked at me. "You okay?"

My hands began shaking, I was still holding on tightly to the pistol.

She took the pistol from me and put it on the seat next to her. She looked at me. "We'll be okay..they won't get to us."

I closed my eyes and nodded. This was just a dream. It was a dream. Everything's okay. Everything's okay-

I opened my eyes, still in Steve's car. "Where are we going?"

"To a friend. We'll lay low there for a while." Steve responded.

I looked at my shaking hands and bit my lip. I knew this wasn't going to end well. I could feel it. H.Y.D.R.A. was going to find us. "Guys...if they find us.. I want you to know-"

"They won't." Steve said sternly. "They can't."

My stomach churned, I looked over at Natasha. "I love you so much.." I whispered.

"James don't talk like that." She warned and avoided making eye contact with me. "We will be-"

"Don't say it." I interrupted. After a moment I spoke. "I remember the day I fell in love with you.."

Natasha looked at me, tears pricked her eyes.

"I remember you telling me you wanted to make it work one day. You and me. I'm so happy it did..." I smiled softly.

"Me too..." she smiled back.

"And considering we might die today..." I paused, taking in a shaky breath. "Will you-" I swallowed the lump in my throat as I felt a tear rolling down my cheek. "Will you marry me?"

Natasha looked at me, tears streaming down her face. She covered her mouth in shock. "James I-" she took a deep breath and wiped the tears from her eyes.

"You can ask me when this is over."

I nodded and took her hand in mine. "Do you forgive me?"

She looked at me and nodded. "We aren't going to die. We'll be okay. We'll live happily and have a huge wedding and-.." she stopped, burying her face in my chest.

I ran my hands through her hair. "I'm so so sorry..."

"It's okay." She pressed her lips to mine, when she pulled away she stroked my cheek, wiping away my tears. "I love you."

"I love you too." I whispered. I sat up and took in a shaky breath, holding onto Natasha's hand, holding onto like it was the last time I ever would.

Which was probably the case.

Things were quiet until suddenly, the car began spinning, out if instinct I pulled Natasha towards me, protecting her from anything that would hit her.

My breathing became more demanding, I opened my eyes slowly.

Natasha.

Blood covered her face, her eyes were closed.

"Natasha.." I said weakly, reaching my metal hand out to her. My head throbbed, I held my hand to my head feeling something wet. I looked at my hand. It was blood.

I struggled to keep my eyes open. I tried to reach Natasha but then I felt a sharp pain in my stomach, the world began spinning until everything went black.

I opened my eyes, suddenly remembering what just happened. "Natasha?!" I tried standing but I couldn't...

I was sitting in a chair, restraints wrapped tightly around my wrists and ankles, the metal digging into my skin. The room I was in was pitch black except for the light that hung over my head.

"No. No. No. No!" I kept trying to get free but it was no use.

"Steve! Natasha!" I wished desperately that I could see them. To know that they were okay.

But they weren't going to be. Not anymore.

I looked around the room, there were five other lights hanging above the cryo chambers surrounding me, each of them holding the five Winter Soldiers. To my surprise the Soldiers were dead..

All of them had holes in their foreheads, blood dripping out of them.

And that's how I knew where I was.

H.Y.D.R.A.


	14. Eyepatch

Chapter 14: Eyepatch

"We've been looking all over for you Soldier.."

I looked up at the man who had just walked in.

I didn't recognize him though..

"Do whatever you want to me. Just don't kill her." I knew it wasn't going to do anything. They didn't care how much I begged for mercy.

"Don't worry. I won't kill her..where's the fun in that?" He laughed. "But I plan to do something else to your friends.."

He stepped back into the shadows.

The only thing I could hear was my heart pounding and my fast breathing. I didn't know what to do. I felt so hopeless. Tears pricked my eyes as I knew what was going to happen. I was going to keep hurting people. It would never end. Ever. This is my fate.

The room lit up, only to find Natasha in the same kind of chair I was in and Steve on the other side of me.

I looked at Natasha, she was just opening her eyes. When she realized where she was her expression was horrified. She closed her eyes, tears streaming down her face.

"Natasha.." I whispered, my voice breaking. "I'm so sorry. God, this is all my fault."

She looked at me. "Don't be sorry James-.."

"Shut up!" The man yelled. He looked at me. "You are going to change the world..one last time."

I heard that before..

My hands were shaking, tears spilled from my eyes, my lip was trembling even as I could hear the familiar sound of a machine starting up. "Barnes..James Buchanan. Sergeant. 32557038." I muttered, remembering the very first time I got taken by these monsters. I don't know why I kept repeating it and repeating it but it helped.

"Buck.." Steve whispered.

I ignored him, and kept repeating the same thing. My name. Rank. Serial number.

"Barnes, James Buchanan. Sergeant. 32557038."

My tongue felt like sandpaper in my mouth, the only noise in the room was the sound of heavy breathing and beating hearts and my hoarse voice.

And the machine.

I could feel the cold metal press onto my left temple and cheek. "No..." I whispered. "Not again.." I struggled to move, trying to break free of the restraints with all my strength. "Barnes, James Buchanan. Sergeant. 32557038. Barnes, James Buchanan. Sergeant. 32557038. Barnes, James Buchanan. Sergeant. 32557-.."

That's when the pain began.

There was so much pressure I was sure it was going to crush my skull. I bit my lip hard, tasting the blood as my teeth dug into my skin. I couldn't hear anything but my screams, begging for it to be over.

But it didn't stop.

The world was spinning, I felt sick to my stomach. The walls were closing in on me, pressing into me. My breathing became more demanding, I thought I was going to run out if oxygen. My mind kept reminding me:

Don't forget. Don't forget. Don't forget. Don't forget. Don't forget. Don't forget. Don't forget. Don't forget. Don't forget.

The pressure stopped but the pain was still there. I gasped for air, leaning my head against the chair, trying to remember how to breathe.

Every bone in my body ached, my head felt like it was going to explode.

What was my name?

...

No. I have a name. What is it? I have to know. I have to remember. I have to remember. I have to-

I could hear something...it was very faint..someone..crying?

I looked towards my left, there was a woman in a chair just like mine, she was looking at me in horror. "James.." she whispered.

James?

I know that name.

Where do I know that name?

"Желание..."

I looked up quickly to see a man, a red book with a silver star in his hand as he was reading.

"Ржавьlй...Семнадцать..."

The room turned blurry the more he read, the walls began closing in again, my head was throbbing.

"Рассвет...Печь...Девять..Добросердечньlй.."

I then regained focus, staring at the man in front of me.

"Возвращение на родину...Один...Грузовой вагон.."

He stopped reading.

All that went through my mind as I looked at him was:

Obey his every command.

"Солдаты?"

"Готов соблюдать." I responded.

The man smiled. "Идеально."

I could hear the machine starting back up again. I closed my eyes, waiting to feel the pain, waiting to hear my screams. My begs for mercy.

I heard screams and begging but it wasn't mine.

I opened my eyes, the woman and man beside me were being brainwashed as well.

I looked back at the woman, trying again to stand but the restraints were stopping me.

The lights went off and I couldn't see anything. My heart was pounding, I didn't know what exactly to do. I felt a stinging pain on my flesh arm. I wanted so badly to move, to do something.

But I didn't.

After what felt like hours, the light turned on.

There was a different man standing in front of me now.

He was wearing all black clothes, he was tall, bald, and he wore an eyepatch. He was holding a rifle in his hand.

Before I could do anything he raised his arms and hit me upside the head with the back of the rifle.

That was the last thing I saw before I was engulfed in darkness.


	15. Reasons To Live

**Hey guys! I haven't actually done an 'author's note' but I thought I should do one now since this will be the last chapter of A Reason To Live. I want to start off by saying thank you for readin this and I hope you have enjoyed this fanfic so far. It was so much fun to write and it makes me more excited to work on new things.**

**Before I let you read, let me know if you would like me to do a "book 2" of this or if you have any other suggestions for more fanfics about any Marvel character or even Star Wars, Miraculous, OUAT, please let me know. **

**Enjoy!**

**————————**

Chapter 15: Reasons To Live

I opened my eyes, my vision was blurred, my body ached, I don't know where I am. It was quiet...was I in my cell? No. There would usually be a guard outside pacing. My vision cleared. I was laying down on something soft..comfortable.

I sat up slowly, clenching my jaw, it hurt so much. Everything hurt. It hurt to think to move to breathe-

Where am I?

I wasn't in the H.Y.D.R.A. base..

At least I don't think I am. I was in a room, sitting on a bed. In the room there was a dresser, the bed of course, a nightstand, a door, windows.

So familiar yet so different.

Maybe this was just one of H.Y.D.R.A.'s tricks.

I made myself get off the bed, and stood in front of the door that led out of the room.

Should I open it?

I don't think I want to find out what's on the other side. Probably guards. Men in SWAT gear and guns. So many guns.

Or maybe there's an experimentation room? With scientist and doctors. Needles, scalpels, tables-

Or maybe it's the training room. The tables with weapons laid out. Knives, guns of every kind, grenades, swords even..

I took in a shaky breath and turned the knob, closing my eyes as the door opened. I opened my eyes and to my surprise there was just a living room with a couch. A kitchen. A table. It was..

Normal.

I think I was supposed to feel comfortable here, but I didn't. This just made me more suspicious. I walked into the kitchen, and then the living room. I saw another door. I walked to it and opened it. There was a small bathroom.

Why am I here?

I walked around the entire house over and over, trying to find a clue. There was one door I didn't open. The front door. The door that led outside.

Or someplace worse..

I stood in front of it for a while, contemplating whether I should find out what was on the other side.

Finally, I opened it.

It was a hallway. I walked forwards, there was a railing and a staircase. I closed the door, and walked down the stairs. It led to another door of course. I never thought I would ever dread doors so much.

I opened it and I was immediately introduced to sunlight, it was so bright, I could hardly make out anything. I could hear so many different things it made my head whirl. Footsteps. Cars. People talking. My vision came back into focus, I was outside.

There was no weapons or guards or screaming. There was no H.Y.D.R.A.

I walked down the street, passing by buildings and houses. For a reason I did not know, I kept looking down the alley ways. Was I looking for something? I don't know. Maybe I was looking for someone? I don't know the answer to that either.

After a while, I noticed people staring at me. It made me slightly uncomfortable until I realized what they were looking at. They were staring at my arm, I was wearing a black t-shirt so my arm was entirely exposed. I walked back to the apartment I was in.

Something was different when I entered.

There was a backpack and two large cardboard boxes sitting by the couch. I sat on the couch, first picking up the backpack. I opened it, the first thing I took out was a notebook. Where did this come from?

The black leather was worn, it was probably very old. There were colored tabs sticking out the sides. I opened to a random page and read the words.

Barnes, James Buchanan. Sergeant. 32557038. Barnes, James Buchanan. Sergeant. 32557038._

The same thing was repeated over and over, till I reached the bottom of the page.

What did it mean?

The experimentation room. I was laying on a table, I winced in pain as the doctors injected fluids into me. I kept repeating the words. "Barnes, James Buchanan. Sergeant. 32557038." Over and over.

I was then in a different room, sitting on a chair with restraints. I could hear people talking, a machine starting up. But the thing I heard the most was my hoarse voice. "Barnes, James Buchanan. Sergeant. 32557038."*

I went to another page, there were pictures of a man. He had blond hair, blue green eyes. He was tall and muscular.

But what puzzled me was what he was wearing. His clothing resembled that of the American flag. The red, white, and blue. He was also carrying a shield with red, white, and blue stripes. A white star was in the center.

It was so familiar. So familiar..yet so distant.

I opened to another page, this one was a picture of a woman. Her red hair, blue eyes..

Seeing her was comforting, a feeling I didn't even know was possible. Comfort.

I didn't even know where it came from.

I put the notebook down and grabbed the envelope that was on top of the boxes. I opened it and a picture and dog tag fell out of it. I picked them up, looking at the picture. It was me...I think.

I was wearing an army uniform, a smile on my face. In marker the words were written: Barnes, James Buchanan. Sergeant. 32557038.

I assumed that James Buchanan Barnes was me. Or used to be. I looked at the dog tag that had my name on it and put it around my neck. I spent the rest of the day looking through the notebook, a folded piece of paper fell out of the notebook. I picked it up and read it.

_November 18, 2015_

_If your reading this it means I've was taken by H.Y.D.R.A. _

_If somehow my 'future self' - so to speak - gets this letter there's something I need you to remember. If you can. _

_Your name is James Buchanan "Bucky" Barnes, you were born March 10, 1917. You had four siblings, a mom and dad who loved you. Your best friend, Steve Rogers, who even now would do anything to help you. Steve - who is more commonly known as Captain America - will probably come looking for you. Don't push him away. He will help you. That mask, those stars and stripes, that shield...they change you. _

_Don't blame yourself for losing - that's one thing I've learned after escaping H.Y.D.R.A. - we need to appreciate the little moments we have left and try to move on with life. I know that's hard, I know that more than anybody, but you have to fight through it. _

_Someone very important taught me that. Someone I hope you won't forget. Natasha Romanoff (her real name is Natalia Alianovna but she hates it when I call her that). She was the person who stuck by me when no one else did. She was who I thought of when someone mentioned 'home'. She is my home. She saved me. _

_If I was able to have so much you can as well. Now, I can't guarantee that you'll remember everything, because you won't, and you just have to accept that. That's something that I learned from Natasha, she helped me in unimaginable ways and I will be forever grateful for it._

_After I came back from H.Y.D.R.A. I wished I could've had someone to tell me that I would be okay. That I would eventually move on. I'm hoping I can do this for you. I know things will seem like all hope is lost, because I've been there myself. But I'm hoping that maybe...maybe this will give you a reason to live._


	16. Epilogue

Epilogue

I've been living in this apartment for a few weeks, I would often come back to the letter I wrote. It's comforting but at the same time disappointing.

I had so much before and now it's gone.

I just came back from the market place, I was buying food, I couldn't help but notice the stares I was receiving from everyone.

I found out why when I read the newspaper.

My face was on the front of it.

'Winter Soldier Bombs Sokovia Accords Meeting Killing King T'chaka.' It read.

I quickly went back to my apartment and put everything I needed in my backpack; photos, food, and water. But I couldn't find my notebook.

I had almost finished packing when I heard footsteps.

I froze, and put my backpack on, slowly and quietly walking to the living room.

I saw him. Captain America, he was in his suit, he shield on his back.

I stared at him, trying to wonder if he was real or not. This man was important to me a long time ago. I knew him. That mean't something. I probably should have been somewhat happy to see him. This was someone who was important to me, important to Bucky Barnes. But the question was..

What did he want from me?


End file.
